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Keeping Tallies

You say you want to change, to grow, to do better,

Yet you’re stuck in the past counting all the wrongs that have been casted upon you. Like tally marks lining the walls to your soul.

You want to let go and let God, but you have trust issues and old habits are hard to break.

You take one step forward and slip ten steps back because you can’t love yourself the way you’re trying to demand others to love you.

You hold everyone else to a higher standard but can’t see the reflection of the man in the mirror.

Control is much easier when your not the one being controlled. You focus on all the tiny little jabs, the tones in the discussion, the facial expressions but you’re only picking up a fraction on the conversation. You’re not hearing what’s actually being said only what you assume they mean. Digging for hidden agendas, looking for dirty intentions, just waiting to be stabbed in the back.

You're constantly playing defense, fight or flight mode, just waiting for the shoe to fall.

The thing is the ball is in your court, although a pancake is flat it still has two sides, you can look solely at the bad things happening, the things that annoy you, frustrate you, all the hard, dark and ugly things OR you can focus on the good, the things that actually worked out in your favor, the positive praise, the things you achieved, the smiling faces, the roof over your head.

You get to choose what you allow in you life, you choose where you put your energy and focus on what you see fit.

Do you really think justifying, explaining or trying to make others see things how you do is more important than your own happiness?

Are you so codependent, your self esteem and worth is conditioned to what everyone else thinks?

Screw them all! You are living your life not anyone else’s. Put you before everyone else. Do what makes you happy regardless of who supports you, support yourself! Leave the past in the past. You have a clean slate and so does anyone you choose to keep around. Speak your truths, voice your feelings, and do what you have to for you.

If they don’t like what you say, agree with how you feel, understand what you mean, see what your saying, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. The fact is you told them, you advocated for yourself, they can do with it what they may and you can decide what’s acceptable to you.

What you focus on is what you’ll see. Did you have a shitty day because one thing didn’t go right, because you had to deal with a nasty customer or because one person gave you a ugly look. Are you looking for the doom and gloom if so I promise that’s all you’ll find.

Stop keeping tallies. Each and every minute you get to live is a fresh start to live your best life, to be the best version of you, to grow, to learn, to love and finally be happy. The key is it starts with you! Today is your day and if it’s not, make it yours!

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